It's been harder than I thought to keep up with this blog! I can't believe it's been a month since my last post. So much has happened I hardly know where to start. Since it is Thanksgiving tomorrow I thought I would make a list of things and people I am grateful for.
I've started making these lists in my journal every few weeks. I call them "Blessings Lists" and base them after the 30 Reasons to be Happy lists that I use to make in college. I had my students make them in class a couple weeks ago and I am still blown away by how much they found to be grateful for despite the fact that some of them are really struggling. I kept my student's lists in the bottom drawer of my desk and anytime I am having a bad day at work or wondering what on earth I am doing as a high school theology teacher, I pull out these lists and am instantly reminded why I am here and why I love my job.
Blessings 11/23/11
1. My family
2. Going home for Thanksgiving today!
3. My community
4. Bishop Ward
5. FJVs
6. The St. Louis and Nashville JVs
7. Anne
8. Father Dirk's homilies
9. Time to pause
10. Spiritual direction
11. Conversations by candlelight
12. Silence
13. Cooking together
14. Painting
15. My bed
16. Peppermint tea on a cold morning
17. Seeing the sunrise everyday
18. The smell of lavender and vanilla
19. Annie and Renee
20. A new understanding
21. Warm sweaters, leggings, and scarfs
22. Kindness from strangers
23. Laughter
24. Brunch at the Jesuits
25. Learning to trust God
26. Sunflowers
27. The ability to run
28. Open-mindedness
29. Vulnerability
30. Feeling like I am exactly where I am meant to be
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Learning
Sometimes it’s hard to put this experience into words. I feel like I am dreaming, slowly gliding through the motions of my day and soon I will wake up and realize it’s not real. Can I really be a high school teacher? I can't be old enough for that. Despite feeling like I'm dreaming, my heart is already so wrapped up in everything that I am doing here. After almost 2 months, it’s still hard for me to believe that I teach in a Catholic high school in Kansas. I still get nervous every time I stand up in front of my classroom, but I find that as I get more use to being here, the nerves don’t last. Most days I genuinely enjoy teaching and being around my students.
I am learning so much more here than I am teaching.
I am learning from my students about their struggles and hardships, about what makes them strong, and what they think faith is. My classroom is full of drawings of their understanding of God and the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I am blown away by the things they say and other times I'll admit to wishing they would just shut up for 5 seconds. Their reflection papers and journals continue to inspire me. I see how passionate and full of hope they are for their futures. They can make me laugh and break my heart all in one 50 minute class period.
I am learning from my co-workers. Mostly from the two teachers I share an office with. They are both young, faith filled women and I find my own faith being strengthened just by being around them. They are helping me to see God and the Holy Spirit everywhere. The honest and heartfelt conversations that I have with them remind me why I am here. I know I still have so much to learn from these two women and I am so grateful that they are part of my life this year. They always make me laugh on long days and know just what to say when I am struggling.
I am learning from my community. I could not ask for a better group of people to be sharing this experience with. I truly think we are an exceptional community; we all get along so well and fit together so easily. I have gotten better at communicating and learning how to make group decisions. I’ve learned to slow down and take life less seriously. They make me laugh like few people can. I feel at home with them. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it will be to leave this community next summer; this year already feels like its flying by.
I am learning from myself. I am stronger and wiser than just a few weeks ago. I am more open and more compassionate. The way I look at the world has already changed. I cannot fully explain these changes. I just know they are happening. I am being “ruined for life” already.
I can’t think of anywhere else I would want to be.
I am learning so much more here than I am teaching.
I am learning from my students about their struggles and hardships, about what makes them strong, and what they think faith is. My classroom is full of drawings of their understanding of God and the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I am blown away by the things they say and other times I'll admit to wishing they would just shut up for 5 seconds. Their reflection papers and journals continue to inspire me. I see how passionate and full of hope they are for their futures. They can make me laugh and break my heart all in one 50 minute class period.
I am learning from my co-workers. Mostly from the two teachers I share an office with. They are both young, faith filled women and I find my own faith being strengthened just by being around them. They are helping me to see God and the Holy Spirit everywhere. The honest and heartfelt conversations that I have with them remind me why I am here. I know I still have so much to learn from these two women and I am so grateful that they are part of my life this year. They always make me laugh on long days and know just what to say when I am struggling.
I am learning from my community. I could not ask for a better group of people to be sharing this experience with. I truly think we are an exceptional community; we all get along so well and fit together so easily. I have gotten better at communicating and learning how to make group decisions. I’ve learned to slow down and take life less seriously. They make me laugh like few people can. I feel at home with them. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it will be to leave this community next summer; this year already feels like its flying by.
I am learning from myself. I am stronger and wiser than just a few weeks ago. I am more open and more compassionate. The way I look at the world has already changed. I cannot fully explain these changes. I just know they are happening. I am being “ruined for life” already.
I can’t think of anywhere else I would want to be.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Dream
Thought I would share this beautiful poem on my blog today...I'm working on a longer update!
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Care
I am being taken care of by so many people here in Kansas City.
Last Friday after work Ali, and the boys and I decide to go to Costco to stock up on some of the staples that we had run out of. Shopping at Costco is always overwhelming! Before we can even seriously start shopping we have to try all the samples (usually more than once!) Once thats out of the way we can begin debating if we really need that much flour, or if we will really eat 4 dozen eggs. (The answer is almost always yes). Ali and I had convinced the boys that we wanted to make a pie, so we were making sure we had everything we needed for peach pie. Just as we were getting in line to check out, Ali's phone rang. It was a wonderful family from Kansas City whose son is doing a second year of JVC. They recently bought all us bike helmets so we could ride all the bikes that were donated to us! They asked Ali if they could come over to visit and bring us some pie. Crazy coincidence! Of course we said YES! We spent a nice evening with them and didn't end up making pie. (We did make homemade Cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning...post coming soon on some of the other new things I have learned to make including spinach tofu lasagna, zucchini fritters, and chili jam, I feel like I should start a food blog!)
There have been all kinds of little things like this that continually happen. Just about every week a Costco bag appears on our front steps with JVC written across the front. Inside has been everything from animal crackers to laundry detergent. We don't know who is leaving us these bags, but we have been calling them the Costo fairy and we are so grateful! Its such a nice surprise to come home from work, and find a bag with snacks or much need households items inside. The first few weeks we were here, one of us would casually mention something we needed and someone always found a way to get it to us. The FJV (Former Jesuit Volunteers) community in Kansas City is the best. From taking us to a Royals game, to showing us how to make black bean soup to bringing us a doormat for our porch to having us over for a bonfire to going with us to the opening of the new arts center to feeding us to just being such wonderful and supportive people to talk to. The kindness and warmth I have experienced since moving to Kansas City makes me feel so cared for here. It makes me feel comfortable and like there are people to go to if I ever need anything.
This weekend to show how grateful we are to everyone who has supported us we are having a potluck at our house! The JVC office in Detroit sent us a list with over 100 people on it to invite! All the FJVs in the greater Kansas City area along with the people we all work with were invited. I'm not sure how our little house is going to be able to handle all these people, but luckily the weather forecast looks good so we can use our backyard and deck! Getting ready for this party has been a week long event. We have a massive to do list in our dining room right now! Some how it seems that this is busiest week we have all had so far. So many different things are going on at work (parent teacher conferences are going while I writing this post, don't worry I am still making plenty of time to talk to the parents!) and then every evening we have something to do.
This weekend is also the birthday party/going away party for one of my favorite FJVs. She was probably the most excited about JVs being back in KC (and thats saying something because people have been SO excited about us being back...this is the first year JVs have been in KC for 8 years). She did so much to get our house ready for us, helped us fix our bikes, made our binder that is full of places to go in KC, took us to Foos (our favorite ice-cream place) the first weekend we were here, took us mini-golf, taught us to make black bean soup...the list goes on and on. She has shared so much wonderful advice with us and has been such a kind and warm person to be around. I am so sad to see her move to Colorado, but excited for her new job opportunity and for a possible road trip in our future!
Its amazing how quickly I have gotten attached to this city and the people here and in my community. And to Bishop Ward. Yes, there are struggles and teaching is stressful, but more often then not, I find myself happy and content. I cannot believe I am already half way through the first quarter at school, this year is already flying. October is full of more busy weekends: camping with our support people, homecoming at Ward, Anne our program coordinator is coming to visit for a week (we haven't figured out where she will stay in our tiny house yet...), my parents are coming to visit, and then the last weekend in October we are heading to St. Louis for a retreat with the St. Louis and Nashville JVs. It will be so good to see some of the other Midwest JVs and hear how everything is going in their cities!
Last Friday after work Ali, and the boys and I decide to go to Costco to stock up on some of the staples that we had run out of. Shopping at Costco is always overwhelming! Before we can even seriously start shopping we have to try all the samples (usually more than once!) Once thats out of the way we can begin debating if we really need that much flour, or if we will really eat 4 dozen eggs. (The answer is almost always yes). Ali and I had convinced the boys that we wanted to make a pie, so we were making sure we had everything we needed for peach pie. Just as we were getting in line to check out, Ali's phone rang. It was a wonderful family from Kansas City whose son is doing a second year of JVC. They recently bought all us bike helmets so we could ride all the bikes that were donated to us! They asked Ali if they could come over to visit and bring us some pie. Crazy coincidence! Of course we said YES! We spent a nice evening with them and didn't end up making pie. (We did make homemade Cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning...post coming soon on some of the other new things I have learned to make including spinach tofu lasagna, zucchini fritters, and chili jam, I feel like I should start a food blog!)
There have been all kinds of little things like this that continually happen. Just about every week a Costco bag appears on our front steps with JVC written across the front. Inside has been everything from animal crackers to laundry detergent. We don't know who is leaving us these bags, but we have been calling them the Costo fairy and we are so grateful! Its such a nice surprise to come home from work, and find a bag with snacks or much need households items inside. The first few weeks we were here, one of us would casually mention something we needed and someone always found a way to get it to us. The FJV (Former Jesuit Volunteers) community in Kansas City is the best. From taking us to a Royals game, to showing us how to make black bean soup to bringing us a doormat for our porch to having us over for a bonfire to going with us to the opening of the new arts center to feeding us to just being such wonderful and supportive people to talk to. The kindness and warmth I have experienced since moving to Kansas City makes me feel so cared for here. It makes me feel comfortable and like there are people to go to if I ever need anything.
This weekend to show how grateful we are to everyone who has supported us we are having a potluck at our house! The JVC office in Detroit sent us a list with over 100 people on it to invite! All the FJVs in the greater Kansas City area along with the people we all work with were invited. I'm not sure how our little house is going to be able to handle all these people, but luckily the weather forecast looks good so we can use our backyard and deck! Getting ready for this party has been a week long event. We have a massive to do list in our dining room right now! Some how it seems that this is busiest week we have all had so far. So many different things are going on at work (parent teacher conferences are going while I writing this post, don't worry I am still making plenty of time to talk to the parents!) and then every evening we have something to do.
This weekend is also the birthday party/going away party for one of my favorite FJVs. She was probably the most excited about JVs being back in KC (and thats saying something because people have been SO excited about us being back...this is the first year JVs have been in KC for 8 years). She did so much to get our house ready for us, helped us fix our bikes, made our binder that is full of places to go in KC, took us to Foos (our favorite ice-cream place) the first weekend we were here, took us mini-golf, taught us to make black bean soup...the list goes on and on. She has shared so much wonderful advice with us and has been such a kind and warm person to be around. I am so sad to see her move to Colorado, but excited for her new job opportunity and for a possible road trip in our future!
Its amazing how quickly I have gotten attached to this city and the people here and in my community. And to Bishop Ward. Yes, there are struggles and teaching is stressful, but more often then not, I find myself happy and content. I cannot believe I am already half way through the first quarter at school, this year is already flying. October is full of more busy weekends: camping with our support people, homecoming at Ward, Anne our program coordinator is coming to visit for a week (we haven't figured out where she will stay in our tiny house yet...), my parents are coming to visit, and then the last weekend in October we are heading to St. Louis for a retreat with the St. Louis and Nashville JVs. It will be so good to see some of the other Midwest JVs and hear how everything is going in their cities!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Joy
You Know Things are Going Well When...
Your boss comments on how happy you look all the time and how much you seem to be enjoying yourself.
You and your students laugh together more than once a class.
You are becoming a morning person.
You finally feel like you have a more steady routine.
You couldn't have better community members to share this experience with.
You stay up till 4am talking and its completely worth is because of the conversations that were shared.
You look forward to reading your students' reflection papers and journals so much that it doesn't seem like work.
You are learning to appreciate the simple things more and more.
You have accepted that climbing up to the top bunk every night isn't that bad.
You have become better at truly being present to another person or a group of people.
You lose at mini golf but you couldn't care less because you love the people you were playing with and you spent most the game laughing anyway.
You finally figured out that what you thought was the smoke alarm is actually where the door bell noise comes from and fanning it won't make the alarm stop.
You really enjoy being a vegetarian.
You are happy to see your students each day.
You are so grateful for all the constant support you are receiving from so many wonderful FJVs.
Your community mate annoys everyone else with laugh therapy and you are the only one who still laughs hysterically every time.
You pay more attention to the good then the bad.
Your heart still breaks a little more with each sad story that you hear, but you have not become bitter.
Your house didn't burn down when the candles were left on all night.
You laugh all the time.
You learn to eat new things and actually like them.
You call your tiny house home and it really feels like it. Mostly because of the people who are there.
You miss home and the people who have your heart, but you grow more sure everyday that this is where you are supposed to be. This is what you are meant to be doing.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Happy
Happy.
That is the word that comes to mind when I think about my first three weeks in KCMO. I feel like I have been living here a lot longer though. Time seems to go by so quickly and so slowly at the same time. A year seems like an incredibly long time to be here, but I already know I am going to have such a hard time leaving. I have never gotten so attached so quickly to a group of people or to a place. I really feel like I belong here and Kansas City is exactly where I am meant to be spending this year.
Moving to a new city in a completely new part of the country, starting a new job, and living with new people was something I thought I was really going to struggle with. Despite all the newness and big changes that have happened over the last few weeks, I have been surprised at how happy and content I feel. I am so lucky to live with the four other people that I do. I know without them, I would not be as happy as I am. Being able to come home after a long day of work and have people there who know just what I am experiencing helps so much.
Liz, Ali, Dave, and Dave (Mills and Wats for short) and I live right on the edge of Rockhurst University’s campus. Our house is tiny, but it’s very homey! Its all one floor, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom (!!), kitchen, living room, and dining room. We have a little front and back yard, a front porch, a small deck in the back, and a garage. Ali and I share a room with bunk beds and 1 dresser and closet for both of us. Luckily that just means my wardrobe doubled! J
All of my community members have different placements around Kansas City. Liz works at the Kansas City Free Health Clinic. Ali works at the Migrant Farmers Workers Project. Wats works at Operation Breakthrough. Mills works at Donnelly College which is right next door to Bishop Ward. The two of us drive over from Missouri together in a red jeep that says “Donnelly College Parking Control” on it. It’s got about 194000 miles on it and I am just praying it makes it through the whole year!
I am still adjusting to being a high school religion teacher and working in the Campus Ministry office at BWHS. I’ve learned to respond to Ms. Fox, but I always look around for my mom when the kids call me Mrs. Fox! Everything here is fast paced and I always feel like I have a million things to do (or that I should be doing!) It’s hard to keep up with these teachers who have been teaching before I was born! And it’s hard to adjust to being the newest and youngest teacher in the building. I am lucky that BWHS is such a great community. Sometimes when I am standing up in front of my class, I have one of those “I can’t believe this is my life” moments. I feel like I still should be wearing my uniform at O’Connell and listening to my teachers go on and go. Instead I am the one trying to get students to be engaged and interested in the Sacraments. Not an easy task! I love my classes, both are very different groups of students, but they always make me laugh and I’ve been surprised to learn how much I enjoy being around high schoolers. I really like getting to know my students better and being able to connect with them because I am so close to their age. I am learning a lot about being a teacher and what works and what doesn’t work in the classroom. Some days I feel severely under qualified for dealing with the issues at hand, but other days I feel like I know just what to do.
I am not sure how regularly I will be able to update this blog, we do not have internet at home. I’ll try to keep you all update on life in the MidWest, its definitely different then life on the East Coast!
Me, Mills, Ali, Wats, and Liz at orientation in Indiana!
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